Burnout

I had a downfall in the spring and lost something important

Tämä artikkeli on käännetty ja saatavilla suomeksi.
This article is translated and available in Finnish.
Keywords: exhaustion, burnout, overtraining, chronic stress, psyche

I wrote this article for many reasons. For example, it works as a therapeutic form of expression. I also hope that someone possibly gets some help out of this - maybe recognizes themselves or their close ones from my description, and knows to get help. My story is mainly about work-related stress leading to a burnout and its consequences. I have put updates at the end of the article to tell how recovery has gone and what kind of symptoms there still perhaps remain.

History from my job from the past few years

Already for a few years I had been in a leading role at work projects. At times, in ICT business it is really unclear what should be done, but still the deadlines are coming and the overall stress many people have feels like foul air. In a modern low hierarchy ICT company out of this kind of chaos rises, depending on personality factors, someone who takes the lead. This is what happened to me - I can't just watch if I'm not able to do my job as a basic developer due to the surrounding chaos. That's when I try to get a grip of the chaos and take a leading position.

I remember saying at work, already one and half years before my spring downfall, I need to have something a bit lighter to do for a change. In retrospect, this was the first clear warning sign. At some level I knew that, without breaks, I'm not going to be able to keep on doing similar things forever - rescuing chaotic projects, that is. In front of me stood, however, yet again another challenging project requiring a lead for a few months. So I did it with great energy and success. But I still didn't understand that I seriously needed to just stop and say no for a while. Alas, after the short project I found myself designated to a 16-month project, which ended up as my ruin. Originally, it was supposed to be just another small project for a couple of months, but once again after starting to dig through the chaos, I realized it's going to take a lot longer. But I didn't back off.

Eventually the project ended up in an acceptable state, but not only did the schedule and budget go haywire, I had to fight with a team completely unfit for the job. Here is where the low hierarchy model of the ICT business really backfired: I became the de facto person responsible for almost everything, but I didn't get any power. The company itself didn't exactly require this kind of stuff from anyone. The official policy was that just doing your regular hours should be enough. But the policy doesn't mention any roles, and in practice, when doing this self-directing, self-organizing thing, it is kind of assumed that everything works exactly like it did - someone just takes responsibility and starts to lead things. Due to my character and stress tolerance my downfall was delayed and delayed, but at the same time, little by little I lost my ability to do not work-related things due to the looming burnout. I used almost all my energy doing work that either wasn't objectively speaking meaningful or at least didn't feel meaningful. Nevertheless, I just kept on pushing forwards, perhaps hoping things would turn out more meaningful some day and it would all pay off.

The spring burnout

The first time I officially sought help was in January 2019, from a psychologist, after returning from a vacation to Tenerife, during which I did experience some moments without work stress. Unfortunately I guess I was a bit too rational and healthy-looking after the vacation, and maybe the psychologist didn't have enough experience to ask the right questions, so things stayed at "it's going to be alright" level. The worst was yet to come at that point. When February came closer, we went into production with the chaotic project, and of course there were a bunch of problems, which basically were left for me to fix. In February, I took a vacation to Thailand with a 22-hour notice. This was actually again something that misled me. All the time I knew I was really stressed out, but I just couldn't understand how deeply. The fact that I was able to go on a quick vacation somehow made me feel as if things were under my control, but they weren't.

After lying a week in a hammock I realized how insane thoughts I had had about the work. For example, why did I take the return flight from the vacation so soon? When booking the flights I had thought maybe I have some time to double-check certain things before deploying stuff into production when I get back from the trip. Unfortunately, again this realization brought me false security about the level of control I had over things. I had another visit to the psychologist, and now that even I had realized how insanely I thought about work at times, we both were left with a feeling things will be alright at some point, for I had now seen the light.

Unfortunately it didn't get alright by itself. At no point were the conditions suitable for that. In reality, already in January I had passed the point where I could've managed without any changes or help. My symptoms were having a really strong effect on my relationship also. At home, I was unable to function like I should have. For example, I couldn't even make myself go and play board games with my partner and our friends. In retrospect, if one doesn't even have the energy for relaxing small things like that, something is wrong.

How a burnout feels like I could sum up like this:

You end up in a state with almost complete incapability to act. I guess this depends on your personality. My own stress reaction is to freeze and kind of get lost in my own world, or "space out". For others it might be fight or flight, not even knowing what they're up against. Then you might make impulsive decisions you can't even explain afterwards.
When the burnout is on, you're living like in a haze. You're cruising with the autopilot, on a highway to hell. At some level you know something should be done, but you just simply can't. You don't have the strength to do anything that doesn't come from the autopilot. Another psychologist actually mentioned this as a typical symptom - the inability to act or react.
When you realize you're having a burnout, you've already been there for a long time. You realize the thing too late. I only realized mine in May, even if already in January I would've needed immediate help. This is actually one of the worst things: you're fighting an invisible enemy. For example, if you are recovering from a surgery, you know you are living the hard time. Whereas with a burnout, you or others around you might not understand something is not as it should, and things just feel hard unexpectedly.
Also, the professional help may not react in time, if you yourself haven't yet realized how deep you are, and are unable to express the level of distress convincingly enough.
Your close ones may notice some changes in your personality. I am an extrovert and very open to experience, "always ready to go". But, save the super quick trip to Thailand, all these traits of mine were gone in the spring. My partner noticed this as a negative change in my behaviour, but didn't understand the reason for it, which created more suspense between us.
The physical symptoms were for me the last straw. Sleepless nights and a resting heart rate of 120 beats per minute finally rang the bells. Things like this are by no measures normal, and shouldn't be just ignored shrugging one's shoulders.
I read a couple of articles about burnout in the local media, and recognized some of my feelings from them. Peer support and spreading information is really important. One of the articles was an April 27, 2019 article from Yle about a man who had some sort of burnout with his extreme sports lifestyle ^[1].

What do the healthcare professionals say

Officially, a burnout is not recognized in medicine, but the symptoms related to it are explained as depression, somatization problems or some kind of inadaptability. In autumn, after visiting another, apparently a more experienced psychologist, it turned out there is actually quite a lot of information about the subject, and there are a lot of common factors recognizable. For example, in Finland they use the Bergen Burnout Indicator assessment among others ^[2]. My own case and symptoms fit the picture almost perfectly.

The Dutch mental health centre U-center has a description of burnout ^[3] that I wholeheartedly agree with - the following quotes are pretty much equivalent to my own summary above:

You are constantly in “survival mode” with the result that you become overloaded. There is no room left for reflection, connecting with others, processing things, or simply switching off and enjoying.

You have lost all ability to be flexible, and are cut off from your emotions. You feel panicky and are irritated at everything, which often has to do with your unstable moods. Just doing the shopping takes hours because making choices and decisions has become incredibly difficult. Even just taking a break from everything seems impossible.

A burnout doesn’t just happen. The foundations were often laid years ago and bad habits creep in gradually. Gradually you are stressing your own body: constantly focusing on things that have to be overcome, constantly busy with surviving, setting the bar too high and absolutely not being allowed to fail.

As the friend or family of someone with a burn-out, there are various things you can do to help. Remember to also look for support yourself, because learning to cope with a loved one suffering from a burn-out demands a lot from you.

Especially the last one is important to notice. People suffering from a burnout must realize they might be quite a burden to their close ones. And on the other hand, close ones of a person suffering from burnout must understand the state in which the sick person is. The articles I read, for example the one by Yle above, didn't quite mention what kind of repercussions a burnout might have.

When a close one burns out

Discussing with my psychologist it turned out a typical symptom in a burnout is a change in personality, and close ones may notice it. Even if they may recognize there's something different about the person, they don't necessarily understand it's a burnout symptom, because the symptoms have gradually creeped in. This is what happened to me also - my partner was wondering where did my spontanity and capability to react go. In retrospect the answer is clear: burnout took 'em. Perceiving the change can be extremely difficult, however, especially if with some things you're still able to function. For example, I still was able to do my job somehow, or even seemingly well, basically doing the work of many people. In reality, however, my capability to function was gone if the task didn't come off from "the autopilot". A person going through a burnout hasn't necessarily changed ultimately, but just having a stress reaction in their own personal way. When the stress is relieved, the ability to think and function returns to normal.

It's important to realize that when a person is having a burnout, they really are in that state. If in that state they are unable to act or react, then that's how it is. Blaming or nagging about it just makes the situation worse. The sick person is strengthless to do anything about it just by themselves, and the extra pressure just makes things worse. Herein lie two problems, though. First, the situation should be recognized and understood, which I already stated is difficult. Second, the healing process always begins with the sick person's own will.

But how to get the sick person to awake, realize their situation and commit to getting long-term help, even if at first they might not get it? Thinking about this a lot, I understood that while I was suffering the burnout I wasn't living according to my values. The work, out of which I got hardly any meaning to my life, took all my energy, and at the same time I was neglecting for example common time with my partner, and obviously my own health. I would have perhaps needed a question, phrased like this: "are you living according to your values?" My bells might have rang from that. Unfortunately, I don't think anybody asked that question directly. The professional health care people said things will be alright, and back home with the relationship things turned sometimes into nagging when neither one had any energy left. Even if there is no particular single factor or nothing ill-intentioned is said or done, long-term stress will affect a relationship negatively. So, if your close one is important to you, and you notice in them some possibly stress-related changes, ask them that question. Quite often you hear that a person is feeling their best when they are living by their values, or at least feels ill if they aren't. I only awoke after the symptoms turned physical and unbearably strong, accompanied by a chance encounter with related articles in the media. It's worth asking yourself every now and then: what are my values, and am I living by them?

Eye — It's worth asking yourself every now and then: what are my values, and am I living by them?

The road to recovery

In the beginning of May, after finally truly realizing the state I was in, I took some measures. I visited a doctor and got myself a recipe for beta blockers to stop my heart from pounding in the night. These I highly recommend. They aren't sleeping pills per se, but if your problem is an increased resting heart rate, they will help you. I also got one week of immediate sick leave to allow myself some resting time. Summer came to Finland early, weather was super beautiful and flowers started blooming everywhere. My road to recovery started with a path full of beautiful rhododendrons - I visited this nearby rhododendron park at least three times at the turn of June. I also bought myself a new MFT camera, which I had been planning on buying for the longest time. In general, I did things I enjoy tremendously - I was walking outside in the beautiful weather, photographing beautiful nature. I was still living very much inside my own world, however, and were in no shape for example to help my close ones with their needs.

I also couldn't seem to get off the catastrophic project that easily - again something that would've required strength and determination. Instead, I opted for another strategy: I set myself a clear goal after which the project didn't need me anytime soon. I was hoping my mind would consider the project done after that. With a colleague of mine, we made a clear list of remaining work to do and assessed how long it'll take us to finish. I then booked myself a whopping 8 weeks of summer vacation, starting right at the moment the work was estimated to be done. Incidentally, this also happened to be the day of our company's summer party. Even my doctor wrote I didn't seem depressed at the end of May after doing all these plans. Things were finally starting to look better.

Now, my original plan of getting rid of the stressful project seemed to work. I spent the first two weeks of my vacation pretty much just lying on my friend's couch and eating good food - I was also recovering from a very bad cold I had got sometime earlier. After that, I pretty much didn't even remember what I had been doing at work for the past year - a nice realization of how foggy my mind had been. I also decided to quit all the project related chats and everything, and promised myself I'm not going to touch that project anymore after the vacation. I was done with it.

I've heard some stories about people having a burnout, but many stories fail to mention one important thing. The worst thing about a burnout isn't wandering deep in the work-filled fog, but the possible collateral damage. Coming home from the summer party, I noticed I had lost someone of the utmost importance. I say noticed, because the actual realization came only later after emptying my mind off the work-related stuff. When under heavy stress, people resort to three basic reactions: some freeze, some fight - and some flee ^[4]. At the same time I was starting to get back into this world from my own, and getting back my ability to act, my partner suddenly leaving was something I wasn't ready to deal with at all. There's no doubt me being absent-minded during the burnout was the biggest immediate reason for it. Come to think of it, my burnout might have been somewhat contagious, or maybe it was just bad luck accumulating, such as a bathroom renovation that began with just a one-week notice also at the end of May. In any case, being deeply in love and finally starting to feel the beauty of things again, out of the blue I was struck by a lightning bolt shocking me deeply. Thus, my 8 weeks of summer vacation wasn't really spent resting for the autumn, but trying to understand what had happened and coping with it somewhat miserably with the little strength I had left after the spring. I still wish things would turn out differently or I would at least understand them better. I also wonder if the outcome would be different if instead of the invisible enemy, burnout, I had been fighting some other, more prominent an illness.

Now, at the end of August, I'm back at work, but nowhere near my normal capability - in fact, I don't think I could do even half the work I used to. It'll probably take months to recover. All I've done so far in the couple of weeks is turn down some projects that have smelled like stress miles away. Judging by that, I guess I learnt at least something, but it's hardly a silver lining. I don't think a burnout has one, and if it does, I think it should be possible to find it without hitting rock bottom first. With wisdom and empathy, one might get their priorities in order without catastrophic consequences. At the moment I'm taking it really easy and concentrating on my well-being, trying to find something nice to do at work to keep me from falling again.

For the chance person reading this, the lesson of the story is that the sorrow from the repercussions of a burnout - whether it's losing or ruining someone, or something else - probably cannot be solved by just taking a few months off work. The consequences might come out of the blue, shock you to your core, mess with your mind and have a lifelong effect on you. This is why a burnout is important to recognize as soon as possible, and better be safe than sorry. You rarely hear of someone who has spoiled themselves by taking a long vacation!

End of the year status update 2019-12-31

It's now been a few months since I wrote this article, and I've had some time to recover and think about what happened. The end of the year didn't certainly go smoothly, however.

First came the stressful period of running from a doctor to another due to the occupational healthcare. They were basically giving me sudden few day sick leaves or something, and every time I felt like they demanded a little something from me - which in my state was quite stressing. I ended up trying certain sleeping pills for a couple of nights. One of the following days I had a really bad quetiapine-induced dizziness and ended up crashing on a bicycle, badly injuring both my wrists.

This, combined with some other physical pains, pretty much prevented me from doing sports for a couple of months. As a person who leads a sporty lifestyle, having to cope with all kinds of mental stress without getting to exercise was extremely burdensome. At work I ended up agreeing on a partial, 50% working time, and getting some chill projects.

Already earlier in autumn I had said no to a few projects. This turned out to be the trend to come. Funnily enough, all the projects I did say no to seemed to have their schedule go exactly as I had thought. Eventually in November I tried to do this one project, but again, it had a tight schedule, its scope tripled within a week, and the project was started a bit under-resourced. I started to get stress spikes and lose my sleep again. Basically for the entire month my health only deteriorated until I was able to withdraw from the project.

At the same time I was dealing with the breakup and everything. I did quite a lot of writing, thinking, and forgiving. The last one is important. Eventually at the turn of December, after I didn't feel cumbersome project load, heavy grieving of broken relationships, or physical pains preventing me from training, my mind started to cheer up considerably and I started to feel like myself again. I think the most important thing I needed - and still need - is simply time.

I'm writing a couple of documents at the moment. One of them is a deeper analysis on how I ended up where I did: what are the risk factors and what seem to be the trends at work. I have actually realized quite a few things fundamentally wrong with the ICT business and how they combined with my skills and personality type - and those of others' - tend to increase stress factors for me specifically. It's actually such an elephant in the room that I might do some more work on the subject. If I was in an academic setting at the moment, I'd probably write a paper or two about it.

I also realized that the way my autumn went was kind of reminiscent of the abstract stress factors in the ICT business on a macroscopic scale. Things that generally stress out people are: the unrealistic schedules just given from an ivory tower, the constant guesswork and lack of planned work to do, and the constantly changing focus and context. Now, in the autumn I pretty much never had a clue what I was going to do the following day - or sometimes even the same day. I was constantly torn between unrealistically scheduled projects, and at the same time I was in a hurry to "get well" between healthcare visits. Otherwise the doctors' only option seemed to be to just drug me until everything is fine and dandy again. Alas, I saw no point in taking random pills such as anti-depressants, if I could clearly point out the things that were troubling me and could even prove that it wasn't in fact just me. As for the personal factors involved, giving some time works magic, if you just focus on moving on.

If you ever do end up in a similar situation as I did, here is a random list of advice from me on how to get over things:

Don't take crap medicine that'll mess up your mind and prevent you from doing what's actually good for you: exercising and sports. Group sports are even better, and you want to embrace them with as clear a mind as possible. (Disclaimer: do discuss this through with your doctor. This is just my opinion. Sometimes drugs might help.)
Take a seriously long break from work. A complete one if you feel like you don't need that much company. I stayed at the work because I was feeling so overally shocked by quite many bad things that had accumulated throughout the years and were now suddenly coming at me. There were familiar people at the office, which kind of did help out - but there was also a lot of risk involved, namely the work itself.
Try to plan the breaks and sick leaves to cover a longer period at a time. It's very stressful when you are given just a few days to recover but you'd need months. The few days you get are easily wasted in the hurry.
Talk with people - preferably openly, so as to get deeper than your usual chit-chat level. You might find out there are others who have noticed the same things that are bothering you.
I stepped into a minefield with a stressful work project way too soon. I did see the bad signs quickly, though. Learning to say no is the most important thing here. If it smells bad, looks bad, feels bad, and has bad written all over it, it's probably bad. It's just another project - just turn your back to it immediately if you feel like it stresses you out, and walk away.
Dig through, forgive, forget, and try to move on. But whatever you're doing, give yourself time.
Do something nice with the recovery time if you have the energy. I started to play the electric drums - something I've wanted to do for a few years already. It's been really cool. I also played some beach volley even with my injured wrists.
Don't sweat about fitting in to society. It's sometimes completely fine to sleep during daytime if you feel tired or can't sleep at night. Forget the others. It's your health we're talking about.

I don't know what the year 2020 is going to bring with it, but at the moment I kind of feel almost excited about it. I plan to travel a lot, feel alive, and not stress out too much about the senselessness called the ICT business. 🙈

End of the year recovery update 2020-12-31

Oh boy, little did I know about the looming COVID-19 threat when a year ago I wrote about my plans for this year. So, at least my plan to travel a lot didn't exactly go that way. I did visit the North a couple of times, though, and also did an extremely interesting trip to Morocco. But, since I haven't been able to feel alive experiencing the freedom of traveling abroad, I've mainly traveled deep into my mind.

A lot of things that previously were kind of clear have become extremely clear during the year. My burnout was mainly related to work, but actually behind it was pretty much everything else. My partner was also indeed troubled and burned out and would've needed help I couldn't provide. Even though love gave me strength at times, the relationship was quite surely also constantly wearing me out. Without help, things probably wouldn't have worked even if I had been otherwise fine. I didn't exactly receive support from others either, unfortunately not even from my family. Quite the opposite actually, I had to resort to blocking phone numbers just to get rid of some extra burden. Alas, if one has nobody to give everyday support, it's time to dive deep into their own mind. It does help if you at least have some friends online to share your thoughts with - a shout-out to Shanghai!

At the moment my understanding of what happened feels quite perfect. It feels like all the puzzle pieces gathered along the life have come together. In short, due to my persona and upbringing I escaped my other problems to work, trying to get something meaningful out of it, without finding anything. I'm not saying there weren't a lot of problems in the work itself, but those were emphasized even more by me focusing on them because of everything else in life falling apart. And then there was the breakup, which was another thing to think through, but it's irrelevant from this point on.

Now, after another year of figuring things out, I think the incident made me a better human, a better person, and in the end also a better worker as a better professional. At the same time it also left me quite scarred - something I'm still suffering from, getting around four hours of sleep a day. It's been quite tiring and hard a year even without all the corona madness. For example, a couple of months ago I played this gig on a big stage after a long break. It was a very positive experience as I expected it to be, to be back on stage amidst the pandemic. However, I didn't sleep at all the night before nor the night after the gig - something that has never happened to me before. This tells me how sensitive my body and brain still are to all kinds of stress, be it pressure from work or excitement from a gig. They say it might take years to recover from a burnout, and this is what they mean by it. I'm still doing part-time work, and haven't actually had the strength yet to chase more meaningful challenges. Funnily enough, boredom has been one of the biggest stress factors at work. In any case, work is now mainly that at the moment - just work. It pays my bills and that's about it.

I have also been paying more attention to other people's well-being. I've seen and heard of people getting burned out left and right all the time. The modern working life at least in the ICT business is such a disaster it's really not even funny anymore. But now that I've been reflecting on things, I would say this stressful life is a property of the modern society, predisposing those less fortunate to wear and burn out with little support. For example, I believe that not even for the majority is Finland actually the welfare society full of happy people that the media and the leaders in their bubbles tend to talk about. There's a lot wrong in the society, and I believe burning out at work might well be rather a symptom than the disease. Hell, compare work life in Finland on paper to something in a developing nation and this place looks fantastic! But the strength to keep up with the working life should come from other aspects of life. In those, for a lot of people the current society seems to cause some woes. I predicted something like the problems today when I was younger, and now it's the reality. Yet, nobody can even discuss some matters as people are usually silenced if they bring out something not in line with whatever the doctrine or more noisier alternative happens to be regarding the specific issue. The source of stress might actually be just about the most basic of things, such as dwellings being restless environments, but being stuck with the idea of everything being so great in a welfare society, discussion doesn't exist. So instead, there's a lot of people feeling ill, and a lot of people just wondering what's going on, trying to treat the symptoms and not figuring out the cause. Also, Koyaanisqatsi seems as relevant as always. No wonder people have so many summer cottages here, to escape the reality every now and then. This all being said, I want to make it clear that in the society there is a lot of good stuff also, it's just that the bad stuff doesn't fix itself by simply prefixing everything with the word "welfare" as seems to be common nowadays.

I've never been much of a stay-at-home person, but now with remote work becoming everyday reality, things started to really bug me in my previous apartment. Constant, by the day worsening yelling and fighting upstairs and a noisy road right next to my flat ensured I couldn't recover at all or even try to sleep. I packed my car and left for the peacefulness of Lapland for a short while. It wasn't eventually exactly the meditative relaxing escape from everyday life I had hoped it to be, but it was importantly cathartic in my handling of last year's events nevertheless. And when I returned, I was sure I just had to leave my noisy place, so I terminated my tenancy agreement. Expectedly, sleepless nights with stress followed while searching for a new place, but I did find a much calmer place nearby.

In my new flat, for the first time ever, I actually did some interior decoration. Now things look somewhat visually appealing, at least in theory. I also bought myself a planetary telescope to draw some power from the cosmos itself, to get closer to feeling the life and connection. Unfortunately the clouds have so far prevented me from using it. Despite my efforts to make everyday living good for recovery, I have become aware of how the feeling isn't exactly still there always. At times I've felt as if I'm role-playing a character living in a city, doing work I don't exactly get much out of, and trying to catch the attention of a special someone who is probably more interested in social media, disconnected from life. So, in a way, the same meaninglessness I felt at work, I've at times felt in other aspects of life also. Unfortunately I don't have access to a summer cottage to reset these feelings. If you do, be very thankful for it. That might be just the thing between living a normal life in modern day Finland, or being burned out and depressed.

Thinking back about the situations I have felt most alive, I've gazed at the snow-covered mountain tops or stars, lived next to or in a forest far away from any noise, or perhaps lifted weights in the middle of the night in the cold outside. Or, at least listened to good trance music. Armin van Buuren has said that trance is a feeling. That's exactly how I also see it at its best. But it has only now occurred to me that it's pretty much the same feeling I have if I'm doing some meaningful work, if I'm breathing cold air in the middle of a forest, or if I'm experiencing new places and cultures while traveling. It's the feeling of life, connection. Eventually it's perhaps all about the same thing. I recommend trance music to anyone feeling disconnected in a city, and when this corona thing is over, to find some old school trance party and stomp away the feeling of being disconnected.

While busy planning how to do meaningful work and get money for an apartment in a nicer environment closer to nature, I've lately also tried out cold showers as per the Wim Hof Method ^[5]. Taking a cold shower stimulates the skin, your biggest organ. At least for me, and as Wim Hof also describes, it brings about this certain tranquility and feeling of being connected. "What if you stopped thinking", as the man himself says: taking a cold shower you kind of stop thinking and just feel ^[6]. I think it's good for clearing your thoughts. I used to wear short pants and T-shirts in the Finnish winter every now and then back in the days, but somehow forgot the habit while living the city life. I've been missing the cold exposure for sure. The cold showers remind me of the feeling of power I have while doing my own things - or as some put it, "fucking shit up".

Another thing that still feels quite nice is the gym, so sports is something I still recommend for those recovering from a burnout if your body can take the toll. Beach volley has also been very fun and rewarding, as has been playing the drums. There's a catch, though, when it comes to physical activity. Some time ago in a local newspaper there was yet another article about a man who was extremely fit, preparing to set new records ^[7]. And then he burned out, badly. The symptoms, among others, were sleepless nights and increased heart rate while sleeping. The recovery forecast was many years in total rest. In the comments numerous other people told similar stories, sleeping four hours a day, with recovery forecasts ranging from a few months to a few years.

I bought myself a fitness tracker wrist band to keep an eye on my heart rate and track my sleep. Many times when waking up only after a few hours of sleep I've noticed my heart rate has been quite high, sometimes close to 120 bpm if the dreams have been bad. All my life I've breathed calmly, in a meditating way, when lying still. Measurement data from my wrist band showed the same thing: my heart rate while sleeping is at times higher than it is while being calmly awake. This is something I now wish I would've been following for the past ten years already (as I've always been a somewhat bad sleeper), but at the moment it explains why I wake up easily and tend to sleep so lightly. Investing in a fitness tracker might reveal interesting data indeed, so get yourself one. I hadn't bought one before as I felt like it might've been just extra stress, but now it has confirmed my suspicions - and I was actually quite relieved to see my resting heart rate stay in the 60s and not something like 80 or 100, as it was when the burnout was on.

To sum everything up: I'm not sure if the worst was the burnout, relationships, the corona pandemic, or all these combined, but it's been quite a year. Things I've always known and have had in me but were somehow forgotten, have surfaced in more prominent a way. It might be that true recovery and thus good sleep is only possible if I'm finally able to cover my basics, my needs. Or, it might be that I would need several months or years of complete rest to get back to fully normal. It might also be that the current society and me just don't play along that well, and maybe there will always be some troubled feelings, unsatisfied needs. Or maybe, as is with the pandemic, normal just needs to be redefined. Maybe I can try to change the world for the better after all, now having seen many things wrong with it. But first, I still have to clean up my room a bit. A good next goal would be to sleep over six hours a day continuously and regularly, preferably with a lower heart rate while doing so. Hopefully, already the year 2021 will be that of social converging. Have a good new year, everyone!

Traditional end of the year update 2021-12-31

Well, the last update sure didn't age well. Things have pretty much stayed the same, both for me and around the world in general it seems. Some things I've tried to change, but in the end nothing really major has yet come out of it.

My goal of getting six hours of sleep a day hasn't exactly been met. Sometimes I do, but most of the times I don't. It's been a very weird year again with the corona pandemic and everything. Feels like every other week there's been something to disturb my sleep schedule if I ever got into one. Studying my sleep did lead me to research my brains a bit more. Not being neurotypical, perhaps having some attention deficit hyperactivity features, might explain quite a lot of things in my life and in the past. Digging this deeply is something I tried to push forwards this year, but alas, things don't just move that quickly as I'd wish when other people need to be involved.

I've still gone through the whole thing that happened (what this article is about) a few times. One thing I can congratulate myself on is that eventually I could think of the whole situation rather clearly and in a rational fashion. This has been helpful with work, but not so helpful with social life - it almost feels like an effort to keep an open heart with the constant stream of not so good experiences. Because of what happened a couple years ago, I understand how lost some people can be, how immaturely they can act if they don't understand themselves, how little responsibility they can take for their actions. I'm fine with being scarred from life - I know I am. I guess most people are (unless they are really lucky), and that actually makes them interesting. But I feel like I wouldn't like to take care of another one's wounds, at least if the person would keep tearing them open. If signs of narcissism or wounds have appeared, suddenly I haven't missed that person's company that much anymore. Mental health problems in the society seem to be on the rise, and it seems to be difficult to find company that's merely scarred, not bleeding. Although, I also believe that sometimes the problems are merely a symptom of the weird modern society.

This relates to the one need I cannot really do much about just on my own: loneliness during the pandemic has been on quite ugly levels at times. Being very intelligent and neuroatypical hasn't helped the situation. Rather than the local ones, once again I think I've been more in touch with my friends far across the globe. The capital city is supposed to be where all the people are, yet I didn't have any visitors in 2021; on a good year, I have maybe at least a couple. Like a year ago, when I had just moved, I had a couple of nice dates visit me. Although, I remember their disappointment for the lack of real estate and a couch. Well, at least I didn't trade my drums for a couch. I'd rather spend my alone time on the move than on a couch. And thanks to that, at least I did manage to meet some nice new people despite the pandemic.

I'm still working part time. At times, work has actually been quite fine. When it has, it's been when I haven't had to clean up other people's leftovers. Finding meaningfulness from work has also been a bit easier - I guess I've managed to lower my standards, which is good. With the trouble sleeping, yet so much cool things to do, and time spent on trying to find sane company, there's no way I could've worked full time yet, though. And it's been a balancing act: when things have felt fine at work, I've noticed the old habits of hyperfocusing on the work arise. This I should not do that much, as it was one of the things that lead to the burnout originally. I still have plans for greater things to come, and I've noticed I've been thinking about those plans more and more. Plans that in the current world feel almost revolutionary. I will continue honing those plans for sure and see where things lead to.

As much effort as I put in to change things, something good did come out of it. As in the last update, my inner self has been emerging in a good way. I finally learned how to ice skate a bit. I learned how to do instinctive archery. I've been camping in the woods. I've finally started playing the keyboard again a bit. I started playing Finnish baseball again. I built myself a nice bed. I visited some places I haven't before. I learned to dance 240 bpm hardcore music. I observed a solar eclipse live with my own eyes. Just a lot of things I've already for a long time wanted to do, stemming from the inside, just because I want to live. The one thing that's been missing is experiencing other cultures and places, i.e. traveling. Life now seems to be a vast collection of nice little things, their variety being the meaning. I must be prepared to make some room for the big things, though. Hopefully those would show up at some point. I won't stop looking, at least not yet, even if society and people's vanity make things a bit challenging. I feel like I still might have some years before giving up on humanity. 😛

Towards an almost certainly better year 2022 it is, then. Have a great new year, everyone!